When Life Isn’t Working According to Plan…

JANUARY 13, 2014 | VOL 18

When Life Isn’t Working According to Plan…

I am going to share something very raw and personal with you. It’s something I don’t often do in my blogs, but we are all one human community and in sharing this I hope it will connect with what is true in you and help you find your way to a deeper, more authentic way of being.

Telling the truth, even if it is not pretty, is transforming, healing and liberating, even if it is hard to admit to yourself or others. And so few of us share our truth in public for fear of what others may think. I want to share my truth.

As a doctor I have listened to more than 10,000 unedited, unvarnished stories of people’s real lives and their intimate truths. And this I have learned–that we are all part of the same human family with the same longings, dreams and struggles.

All of us dream, hope and yearn for happiness, love and success measured in our own way. What I have a seen is how we often stand in our own way by limiting ideas, beliefs and theories about life, the thoughts we get stuck on that keep us from the life and love we want.

What I want to acknowledge is that I have kept myself from a very big dream because I didn’t fully own it and instead held onto excuses, or was stuck in unconscious beliefs of why it was not possible.

I know the power of dreaming, of believing in and creating my dreams. In college, I knew I wanted to create healing in the world. I acutely felt the deep suffering of our human souls and the deep physical suffering of so many. I wanted to create more love, compassion and healing in the world. I didn’t know the exact way it would unfold.

But I went to medical school and found my way through my own illness to a new way of understanding the wonder of the human body. I learned from the inside out how we are connected to everything around us – the food we eat, our environment, how we grow and raise our food, the way we move, the rhythm and love in our lives.

In my struggle with chronic fatigue, I found a way out through the science of Functional Medicine and have been blessed with the ability to share it and experience profound blessings as a result. I have been honored to be part of transforming many lives and writing seven New York Times bestsellers designed to create more healing and love in the world. I dreamed that change into being. I knew I had a mission, a calling to share this radical new medical paradigm and I believed it and saw it through fearlessly.

But there are other dreams that have not worked out so well for me. I have two beautiful children and the blessing of extraordinary friends and community. But in the area of love I had beliefs and behaviors that kept me from having the love that I wanted.

After two marriages and a recent relationship that didn’t work out, I recognized that maybe it was “me,” how I choose, how I was, my behavior, what I thought and believed about love, that kept me from having the love that I wanted. The truth was that I just didn’t believe in love- and that is why I never manifested it in my life. I realized that my experience as a kid set me up not to trust or believe that true love was possible. All I saw was broken or half-lived relationships.

My parents divorced when I was five and my mother remarried a man she didn’t really love and had a horrible 40-year marriage. And my sister, who died last year, was married and divorced three times. Something screwy set us up for picking the wrong people.

My last relationship was better, deeper, more honest, but still not quite a fit and what I learned was that I didn’t believe in true love and didn’t even dream that it was possible, that I was perfectly capable of settling for half love or worse.

I now deeply know that it was my own thinking, my own refusal to dream the love I wanted into being, to even ask for it, that has kept me from it. And now, shifting that thinking, redirecting my internal compass I know that I can create what I want, I know I can find and experience the love that I dream.

But I didn’t get to this understanding by myself. It took work! I got help from Lauren Zander, a master coach, who started the Handel Group® – one of the world’s leading coaching companies that forced me, however lovingly to see the truth about myself, who demanded that I own my dream and create it. I have been great at creating my dream in many, many areas, but not in this one.

In fact, there is a science to manifesting your dreams in every area of your life, a methodology that took me through a deep process of resetting, rewiring my thinking and emotions. It is called the The Handel Method®.

We all have dreams – dreams for love, for career, for our bodies, for our finances, for our health, for “fill in the blank.” But often our beliefs, theories and thinking get in our way of having full on happiness and living into our dreams. Getting help from a coach has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Think of it as therapy with teeth! I encourage you to try it.

Click here to sign up for their newsletter and get a Free Consultation from a Handel staffer. Learn how to be the author of your own life, to design and manifest your dreams. This is not a dress rehearsal for life!

And if you like this House Call, I encourage you to share it with your friends and family on Twitter and Facebook, sign up for the newsletter, and submit your questions, so that, next week, I may make a House Call to you.

Wishing you health and happiness,
Mark Hyman, MD

87 Responses to When Life Isn’t Working According to Plan…

  1. Shawna January 14, 2014 at 6:09 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your heart to heal others and your heart to hope in yourself. Be blessed in your newfound hope and journey.

  2. leoness108 January 14, 2014 at 6:16 pm #

    Thank you for sharing this. It really spoke to me and I think I have had a similar block in the love department. I’m starting to realize that yes, I deserve the love of my dream (or better!).

  3. Jenny January 14, 2014 at 6:24 pm #

    Dr Hyman,
    You are a true gift and I continue to be grateful to you. I thank you for trusting us with this raw, authentic piece of your life. Sludging through the pain is what brings us to bountiful, whole hearted living. Thank you for making it okay for health professionals to be real human beings again. I am very involved in the movement of spirituality and healthcare and hope that your example brings a new awareness that our humanity can be a gift to those we serve, because we are relatable Blessings to you!!!

  4. Kathy Ridge January 14, 2014 at 6:29 pm #

    Dr. Hyman,

    I liked you before, but really, really like you now. For you to put yourself out there with your personal information to help others is a truly awesome thing to do. You show yourself to be a learner and a giver and it takes courage and selflessness to be able to do that.

    Obviously your success isn’t going to your head; rather it makes you stronger to help others.

    On another note, you just might not have met the right people. You ARE rather advanced, ya know.

  5. kelley deshaies January 14, 2014 at 6:31 pm #

    I struggle with personal relationships and I know many of the reasons are from my own insecurities and inability to manifest .. I was recently asked by a close friend “Why aren’t you a writer, you’re so intelligent. Are you afraid to fly”……….. As I get older I find my frustrations manifesting through physical issues that I’m fighting to overcome.

    It makes me feel a little better to know that even successful people have the same struggles. I have followed you for a number of years and your advice has really helped me in so many areas of my health.

  6. Leigh January 14, 2014 at 6:34 pm #

    Mark, I appreciate your vulnerability in writing this blog. May it give others permission to do the same so the healing continues.

  7. Rachael January 14, 2014 at 6:36 pm #

    So happy that you have been so blessed in your life and you truly are a gifted person. I love your books and the knowledge you have worked hard to obtain and share. I, too, come from many divorces in my childhood. My Creator brought me to a place where I finally understood that no human could fill the void He designed to be filled by Him.

  8. Jody January 14, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

    Dr. Mark,
    Thank you.
    For all that you do, thank you.

    I was able to radically redirect the course of my health and alter my beliefs about what is possible in the arena of physical health and wellness because of your leadership in functional medicine. I’ve sought out doctors who knew your work and I’ve gleaned so much information directly from the writing and guidance you’ve offered for free online.

    And as beneficial as all that has been for me, I think your honesty and courage right here in writing about love may have an even bigger impact.
    thank you,

  9. kathryn rogers January 14, 2014 at 6:40 pm #

    Thank you Dr. Hyman for being so honest and raw.

  10. Michelle January 14, 2014 at 6:50 pm #

    Dr Hyman,
    I struggled with bad relationship choices for years. I did not have positive role models for relationships growing up. I took a couple of years off from dating and focused on other relationships. Thought about what I wanted, what God wanted for me and prayed sincerely and consistently. My husband came along and everything was simple. Love shouldn’t hurt. Understanding why and how you are making the wrong choices is the beginning.
    Blessings and true unconditional love,

  11. Marjorie January 14, 2014 at 6:56 pm #

    Boy did I need to hear this message tonight! Thank you Dr. Hyman for sharing! I’m struggling with allowing love and trust in my life and also to learn to accept losses! I lost my true love, my husband , at a young age. Remarried and unhappy for over 30 yrs. …. now going through the big “D” and feeling so lost. I thought this was the age of finally enjoying someone’s company and doing things together! Yes we all are connected and share the same trials, why do we mask them and hide our true feelings! I am a great fan of yours and appreciate your truthfulness….this helps those who are going through this kind of life’s journey and know many others are going through these same or similar situations….especially losses! We all need encouragement to continue to search for a fulfilling life! Hugs to you my friend!

  12. Milly Gilin January 14, 2014 at 6:58 pm #

    It is wonderful that you are able to share your experience. It seems that is the way we encourage each other. As you know, parts of all of our paths are difficult Best wishes as you find the love of your life.

  13. Louise whipple January 14, 2014 at 6:58 pm #

    Wow, this is digging deep It takes a tremendous amount of courage to share our deepest fears, disappointments and failure. It is what makes us all human and connected. You will find love when you are not looking for it, just be comfortable in your own shoes, love others and it will come back to you. Louise

  14. Beth January 14, 2014 at 7:03 pm #

    Thank you for such an honest, vulnerable and personal posting. I for one, can relate, and appreciate the pointers in the right direction. Thank you for sharing.

  15. Colleen fraser January 14, 2014 at 7:06 pm #

    Very brave and candid self-evaluation! As Dr. Maya Angelou has said, “When we know better, we do better.” We are all on this journey; I wish you continued success.

  16. Ellen ELSNER January 14, 2014 at 7:06 pm #

    Thanks for all you do!
    Hope to meet you someday!

  17. Ellen ELSNER January 14, 2014 at 7:08 pm #

    Thanks for all you do!
    Love the Daniel Plan too.
    Hope to meet you soon!
    GOD Bless,

  18. Kathleen Bandaruk January 14, 2014 at 7:21 pm #

    Thank you so much for baring your soul in this post. As a graduate of IIN, I have always enjoyed your teaching and I appreciate your willingness to share this deeply personal journey. Keep up the great work and I will certainly hope and pray for healing for you and many others out there who needed to hear this!

  19. J. L. January 14, 2014 at 7:26 pm #

    It’s difficult enough to find someone who loves us for who we are and not what we are, but much more so when the ‘what’ can vicariously fill a deficit of autonomous worth and identity for someone else.

    It seems obvious that you value truth, compassion, and eternal substance above the surface and transient. Even when smiling, your eyes hold the ever present awareness of what’s dark and broken in the world. I wish you tender mercies and sweet success on your journey to find great love.

  20. Susan January 14, 2014 at 7:30 pm #

    Thank you so much for sharing this.

  21. Mele January 14, 2014 at 7:33 pm #

    Dear Dr. Hyman,

    There is no perfect union. Sometimes things work really well for a while and then not work. People change on the path of life’s journey. What was once compatible ceases to when the changes break relationships apart.There is no perfect person to suit us at all times. There are perfect moments. Of course, dishonesty, abuse and unkindness do not make a good relationship. People are wonderful, horrible, kind and flawed. How often does the person’s appearance creation of perfection? We contain the world within us.


  22. EMS January 14, 2014 at 7:34 pm #

    I’m sure it’s putting yourself out there to share your story.(As a child of divorce also), I always was very careful of my choice for life partner, and it was important to find someone that wasn’t going to let me down as a partner & could go the distance. I’ve been married 12 years longer than my parents 10 years. You will find love!

  23. Kim January 14, 2014 at 7:38 pm #

    Hi. I investigated the Handel group, as I too believe we, as humans, get in out way often; and it is long believed thoughts that maybe we have forgotten we even believe, that prevent full actualization of what we want or who we want to be. Here’s my issue, well two issues. First, the expense. Second, in my conversation with a counselor that person kept telling me I was lying. I have spent plenty of time self evaluating and am pretty aware of what my key issues still are. I found it dishesrtening to have this person tell me I was not being truthful because I did not agree with them. Is that supposed to be the ‘therapy’? Please advise. Thank you.

  24. Katherine Englebardt January 14, 2014 at 7:40 pm #

    Dear Mark,
    Reading this brought tears to my eyes. You have done so much for so many, many people.
    I worked with you at Canyon Ranch years ago, and then met with you at your Lenox office as well. You are my “go to ” source for health advice, even though I cannot always follow everything “perfectly.”
    I feel compelled to respond to wish you health and healing in all areas of your life, and look forward to positive future posts.
    You are an inspiration to us all.
    Sending healing thoughts and love your way,
    Kathy Englebardt

  25. Virginia January 14, 2014 at 7:41 pm #

    Great “House Call” this week! Reminding us it is ok to be honestly “raw” with ourselves and others – thanks! In reading your post, I am sorry to hear the news of your sister — I meet her a couple of times and she was a fire cracker! Just wanted to let you know (I am sure you do know) I am one of many whose path she crossed where she left a positive connection/impressions. She freely shared support and thoughts (guess it runs in the family :))

  26. Portland Helmich January 14, 2014 at 7:45 pm #

    Hi Mark … I’ve interviewed you a few times for TV shows I’ve worked on and for Kripalu. I give someone in your position a lot of credit for opening up about your personal life. I make an effort to do the same when I write — for places like Kripalu.

    I’ve actually written about the very same topic — one blog post that’s soon to come out, especially. I wonder to what extent my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors about love and relationships have kept me from manifesting the partner and the relationship that I want since my marriage ended some years ago. Eventually we have to look in the mirror and take responsibility for our part in the equation.

    Having moved back to Massachusetts from LA, I’m looking to begin anew this year and am definitely going to look into the Handel Group. Thank you for sharing — I have a lot of respect for experts who admit that they have struggles and don’t have it all figured out. In my opinion, the ones who do are the real deal. 🙂


  27. Carol sage January 14, 2014 at 7:45 pm #

    Find this article interesting, would like to read more about Handel Method.

  28. Michelle R. January 14, 2014 at 7:56 pm #

    Wow, that brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this. I too am working on this dream of love with the help of a therapist and God’s guidance. Wishing you the love of your dreams!

  29. Dianne January 14, 2014 at 8:08 pm #

    Your sharing this is so powerful. It inspires me to address proactively at a similar issue in my own life I’d been hoping time would somehow magically fix. Thank you!

  30. Maria January 14, 2014 at 8:15 pm #

    Hello Dr. Hyman:

    Beautiful and personal blog sharing so much of Your personal life…Am one of Your followers for quite some time, also of Dr. Daniel Amen…. Quoting Dr. Wayne Dryer When You change the way You look at things, things change”. Also “everything depends on the color of crystals You look upon”. Pardon me, for disagreeing with You, in the part of the kind of marriage Your parents had, predisposed Your sister and You to not have a good loving relationship? Sorry, defer with You in this, since all what we do is base in our believes, actions, and positive mind…Yes I said positive mind since You’re interjecting the negative part in Your parents loving relationships. Am a living proof of what am expressing here!
    Appreciate all You do…Blessings, Gratitude & Love!

    Your follower,
    Maria Lash

  31. MJ January 14, 2014 at 8:19 pm #

    Unfortunately, I get it. I grew up through the pains of my parents bad marriage, and though I was intent on being their opposite. I chose a person much like one of them as my husband. I worked on me my entire marriage in hopes of never becoming my mother. None the less, I divorced my husband 21 yrs. later. So, I began working on me, again. I dated another liar. And, then another one. The correlation, although very different men on the surface, none of them can live with their own truth. They give blanket apologies for huge offenses, and they do not take ownership of the pain they cause others by lying. The last person in my life did a great job of talking therapy talk, and I was thrilled by someone who had been working on themselves, obviously he had some level of self awareness, right? Not so much, he was a pathological liar and here I am leaving a comment on a page about how to fix me. So, in essence, I choose deceiving people. And, I need a better radar so that I stop letting dishonest people in my life.

  32. Cindy January 14, 2014 at 8:24 pm #

    Life coach consult request

  33. Sonja January 14, 2014 at 8:25 pm #

    I am a patient, with the wonderful Dr. Romm at the UWC. For years, I have learned a wealth of information about health and nutrition from your amazing hard work in functional medicine. It has changed my life – and health. You are the reason I am becoming a nutritionist–a dream realized. :-). Your story this week resonated with me on a deep level. The Handel Method sounds like something we could all benefit from. Thank you for being human, humble and real. Best wishes!

  34. Lynn Hoover January 14, 2014 at 8:31 pm #

    I started out in a cult and had no idea of love, or truth, why I was here, the purpose of life, and if religion was the way. I have found meaning, purpose, truth, in not a religion – I had that before, but in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Once I understood who He was, is, and will forever be, and what He did for the world, and read about Him in the Bible, I found true love, forgiveness for my wretched sins, and a way to live eternally with the one who created all of life and provided life after death with Him if I accepted His free gift. If you’ve never known Him then find a Bible – (I use a New Kings James since it is easy to read) and start with the book of John. I bought one that had a commentary (I used John MacArthur). Try it sincerely and let me know what you see. It’s all about relationships. I was married once before also, but now understand loving someone a lot better. Maybe not perfect, but I’m on a journey with purpose, meaning, and hope.

  35. John January 14, 2014 at 8:38 pm #

    Thank you.

  36. Lindsay January 14, 2014 at 8:51 pm #

    We all need to look deep into ourselves to see what’s wrong and why we can’t achieve the things we want. I think it’s awesome that you did this and realized a new way of thinking. Thank you for opening your heart to us. As you said, we are all human.

  37. NEM January 14, 2014 at 9:21 pm #

    “…because You have made us and drawn us to Yourself, and our heart is unquiet until it rests in You.” St Augustine.

    Wishing you peace and thanking you for your medical wisdom.


  38. Annette January 14, 2014 at 9:31 pm #

    Hi Mark
    Have you considered getting in contact with Rick Warren or Bill Hybels to get their perspective on life? I’m sure their wisdom and experience would only enhance your journey of healing and moving forward.
    All the best 🙂

  39. Michele Chevalley Hedge January 14, 2014 at 9:38 pm #

    Very powerful. Very honest and ‘good on you’ for letting this out.
    It is funny how I – a health practitioner – have always perceived you as so full of love on every level. I only can only imagine now that you will have a greater sense of self love that you will become even a greater spokesperson on health! Hope to meet you live in Feb in NYC- I am coming all the way from Sydney to hear you speak!

  40. Raejean Fellows January 14, 2014 at 9:39 pm #

    Dear Dr. Hyman,

    What refreshing honesty–thank you! I, too, was affected by the divorce of my parents after their 25 year marriage, and have been divorced twice myself.

    The art of the love, the practice of love is truly one of our most important endeavors, as human beings. Close relationships are tough for some of us, trust, not easily adopted. betrayals that we witness every day, so painful.

    Whether your subscribers try the consultants you mention, or work in some other way towards greater understanding, I admire you for bringing up LOVE and its practice.

    On another topic, I will always be grateful to you for diagnosing my Hashimoto’s thyroid condition (Canyon Ranch-Lenox)–so that I could get my hormones in balance.

    I look forward to watching your house calls–keep ’em coming!



  41. Wendy January 14, 2014 at 9:41 pm #

    Is it possible for you to write one article, one newsletter, one piece of advice in which you’re not selling something? This post would have been much more compelling had the punchline not been a sales pitch. It’s really tiresome.

  42. Chet Davenport January 14, 2014 at 9:51 pm #

    Dr. Mark,
    You are commended for being authentic and honest about your issues and the direction you’re taking. That kind of disclosure only broadens your appeal because we know you speak from experience and vulnerability. Requires strength and a bit of fearlessness, especially when you’re in the public eye, to be so forthcoming. Appreciate your work and your character.
    Thank you

  43. Jerry January 14, 2014 at 10:02 pm #

    Thank you so much for be so vulnerable and sharing this beautiful insight. I have come to realize that there is always one person present EVERY time I get in any kind of trouble or disappointment, and that would be me. It is hard to take personal responsibility for these big issues, but I believe it is the only way to impact them in a way that matters.
    I recommend that you look in to Journey work as a technology for healing those old emotional wounds that are interfering with the quality of your life now. It has made a HUGE difference for me. It has made a huge impact for me. If you are interested check out their website at: thejourney.com
    You might also check out The Journey by Brandon Bays at Amazon.
    I would love to tell you more about my perspective of it. If you are interested, contact me.
    Thanks again for being so vulnerable and real as a public figure in such a public place.

  44. heather holmes January 14, 2014 at 10:05 pm #

    This is quite common and so many will be blessed by your sharing .I personally have a lot of similarities including lymes disease, a divorce, divorced parents, and a passion for helping the sick.God will help you through this.He may send people your way to plug.But know this when you plug into Him you will realize that you can love because He loves you.Your answers are in His word.Read the Bible this year..you will find all the answers.

  45. margaret January 14, 2014 at 10:14 pm #

    Good for you Dr Hyman! Caregivers are not always good at taking care of themselves. We need to set the example of this health habit. When my geriatric patients would tell me, “Dr.B, you need to slow down. Do you know how many doctors I have outlived?” I would have a wake up call. Spiritual health is overlooked in our busy modern practices. Stay connected to the human spirit. 🙂

  46. Diane A. Permenter, EdD January 14, 2014 at 10:23 pm #

    Hello, Dr. Hyman,

    My name is Diane Permenter. I live in Plano, TX, and am a public school administrator in the DFW area. I would love to make a personal Appt with you, but am aware that is unlikely. However, I am wondering if I could schedule an Appt through a Conference Call? Surely you have developed some type of mechanism for helping or “treating” patients who have geographical constraints. Please advise regarding what my options are in this regard.

    Thank you,

    Cell: 972-741-5266

  47. Angela January 14, 2014 at 10:28 pm #

    Great post! Thank you for your honesty and transparency.

  48. Barb January 14, 2014 at 10:36 pm #


    Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts. I am sure it was difficult. You have shown your love to half the human race. Through your books, and all the things you do.It was not your time to meet “the one” The old cliche, you will meet her when you least expect. Or, when you are not looking. Thank you for all of your knowledge. I am now re reading Ultra Prevention. Barb

  49. Kandi Burris January 14, 2014 at 10:40 pm #

    I have been a follower of your advice for over a year now. What drew me to your words was the fact that you lead by example. Thank you for showing me that there can be change in all of us. Blessings to you and your family.

  50. Betty Simcock January 14, 2014 at 10:50 pm #

    Thank you. It was all beautifully said. It is interesting to realize that “it really is all about me”.

  51. elizabeth January 14, 2014 at 10:53 pm #

    wow Dr. Hyman! I have gained an even greater respect for you in reading these words. Offering up our weakness and vulnerability demonstrates real strength. In my experience it is integral to healing, which is why I try my best to always write and speak from a place of authenticity. I found you in my search for physical healing for my 5 year old daughter but have been blessed by your consideration of our entire being…mind, body, and soul. Praying that you would discover true and complete love…I know it’s possible because my story is not that different from your own and I have!

  52. Atisa Payvarpour January 14, 2014 at 10:57 pm #

    Dear Dr Hyman,

    I just read this blog & am truly touched by your beautiful story!
    I felt your pain deeply as I often do with people as well & the sense of hope & resolve! 🙂
    This life of ours, can be truly an amazing journey, parts of which may not always be easy. However, once we are able to tune in to the our deeper part, the soul, the answers and in the end salvation will be at reach!
    Thank you for the candor, all that you give to the world & simply being the loving & kind soul that you are!
    Always be well, Arisa

  53. Joyce Douglas January 14, 2014 at 11:05 pm #

    Dr. Hyman,

    Thank you for sharing your very personal story about love and the dynamic that was created in your life. It definitely gave me some food for thought as I have not seen my wishes in this area manifest either. It was courageous of you to put it all out there.

    Thanks again!


  54. Sam January 14, 2014 at 11:09 pm #

    Sorry Dr. Hyman. I think you got it wrong on this issue: love and relationship. Having read extensively the science of aging, and its molecular consequences on brain and human relations, I believe there is a connection between human aging and relationship interactions. Just like our body going through fibrosis,drying up from within and without, aka, aging, our ability to communicate, to enjoy life, to interact, to forgive and forget, to be flexible, to be romantic, to be hopeful, to be content, and to be alive, diminishes significantly. Regret we are so unconscious of this human fibrosis in our mind and behavior. We unconsciously destroy our relationships. Our brain fibrosis , or whatever other name you want to give it, aka aging, works against our relationship. Moreover the older we get the closer we get to our true nature. When we are young we try to change to accommodate for a relationship. When we get older we become less changing and more strict and more dry and intolerant. If you try to force your mind to act more younger like when you were in 20s, you will have longer lasting fun sexy relationships, granted your partner does the same. Can you imagine two partners each aging and getting dry and dryer in life. When partners are not aware of the impact of aging on their mind and behavior, they act out their brain’s preprogrammed, genetics and epigentics desires. Bottom line. We all go through these life changing and depressing events and you are not the only one. Please enjoy your life while alive and stop allowing your aging brain to depress you.

  55. Sally-Ann January 14, 2014 at 11:17 pm #

    Thank you so much for sharing your story.
    It amazes me how many of your stories reflect my own, as I am sure they do for many others also, but your timing on this is perfect and I hear your words in the need to share. It’s something I am new to, but so far it has helped me immensely in certain areas of my life.
    Dr. Hyman, you are a wonderful and giving human being and you have been a huge inspiration to me. You are one of the main reasons I am studying to be a health coach and I am loving it immensely. I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.
    I wish you all the best in finding the love that you seek very soon.

  56. Kelly January 14, 2014 at 11:47 pm #

    This article appeared in my email inbox seconds after I posted a status on Facebook about how I’m feeling reflective and melancholy because of a birthday coming up. Dr. Hyman’s words were just what I needed to hear as I thought about all the changes I need to make. I thought this is perfect timing and had years in my eyes about the seeming serendipity! That is until I got to the part where he was plugging a life coaching company. I think the industry of “life coaching” is a joke and I have personal experience with it. And the coach is nothing more than a reality TV wannabe. If you need help, seek a stable, honest friend or spend your money on a qualified therapist.

  57. Dianne McCown January 14, 2014 at 11:58 pm #

    Dear Dr. Hyman, I just spent the last 25 minutes typing you an email of gratitude and support, but i was typing in in the wrong place, so you will never see it. The bottom line is that I wish you the best in finding your perfect partner and I have no doubt that you will. And then, the two of you will be an awesome couple out in the world as a demonstration of what a loving couple looks like. I really appreciate the work you are doing especially in the area of education people about their health and food choices. The level of toxicity in the food is increasing and children are so at risk for diabesity and so many other health challenges. You are an inspiration and I am so happy for you in following your dream of having a “True Love” soulmate relationship.


  58. Dawn Loughborough January 15, 2014 at 12:51 am #

    So well said – this resonates with me. I believe in love for others but not so much for me, so I am very clever at keeping busy and protecting myself so I can be enchanting and yet not allow myself to be vulnerable. At some point, however, it all ties together and by not making space for this to arise, the other areas of life pay a cost. Perhaps its in the area of vitality. The other thing I notice is that by staying super busy I have created a life that is simply too busy for a relationship. And that feels like it has some weightiness…when in fact it could be open, free, and loads of fun. Nah! No way! I’ll definitely need a coach to transform this one as my confidence and points of view hold me in to the way things are…lol! On a cerebral level I see it…and I haven’t taken 100% responsibility for how it could be…I want it but I deny myself and wind up playing small. Thanks for writing this. I will play.

    • Numa January 15, 2014 at 6:03 am #

      Thank you for freely sharing something so personal.

  59. Debra Holland January 15, 2014 at 1:01 am #

    I’m glad you’re taking an honest and soul searching look at yourself when it comes to love and relationships. Limiting beliefs about love can lead you to chose partners who aren’t right for you–to settle. But it can also lead you to not be the best partner in your marriage, which can sabotage your relationship. Coaching or psychotherapy (with a GOOD coach or therapist–there are plenty of so-so or bad ones out there) can help you learn about yourself, grieve old losses, reprogram your beliefs, and also teach you new ways of communication and behaviors to help you have a more satisfying relationship.

    All the best in your search for loving transformation.
    Debra Holland, Ph.D

  60. Jules January 15, 2014 at 1:08 am #

    I am so hopeful you will reach a large audience with this. Since my marriage ended several years ago, I have met so many men who are bewildered by what happened in their marriages and/or relationships. I always see that as a huge RED FLAG. Both sexes can benefit from this work. It takes courage and effort, but what a huge payoff.

    These free weekly newsletters are illuminating: http://www.creatingloveonpurpose.com/AboutUs.htm

    and this annual event is downright amazing: http://loveonpurposerevolution.com

    Keep at it!

  61. Liz Cowans January 15, 2014 at 1:29 am #

    Thank you for sharing. I am so happy you are turning your dreams into a reality. Makes me question my belief that love does NOT exist for me. I hold this belief so tightly. I even do things to ensure that love will never find me. I figure, well since it will never happen-ok move on. Become so busy and not think about it. I have custody now of 6, yes 6 nieces and nephews and take care of a disabled mother. And this keeps me extremely busy-yet in the few quite times I get-the heart yearns. Maybe I draw these experiences to me with my belief that love just can’t exist for me. I have tons of love to give-yet the special relationship love-I just don’t know what that looks or feels like.

  62. Annie G January 15, 2014 at 1:37 am #

    I appreciate this post, as it took courage to write. I had a similar chilhood experience to Mark, and two failed marriages, also much therapy and twelve step meetings in my 20s. After meeting the love of my life three years ago, and now 50, I think that not meeting him prior to now was mainly a result of lack of confidence to be myself in all areas of my life, which resulted in missed opportunites to cross paths with him in college and beyond. I believe that it is never too late to find that right person. Cast a wide net and be patient. If you are still looking for the right person, so are they.

  63. Mary January 15, 2014 at 5:22 am #

    I continually feel that I am not enough, nor am I doing enough with my life. I believe that all things are possible – for other people. I believe we create, however I haven’t been able to get past the, “it works for others but not me” core belief – not with love, not with finances, not with friendships or my career. Parenting is where I excel-and I always knew that I would. Why do I stop there? Perhaps coaching is a path toward the life I want but don’t really believe I can have.

  64. Margret Alice Birgisdottir January 15, 2014 at 6:12 am #

    Thank you so much for your honesty. Iceland is waiting for you to come for a visit

  65. Julie January 15, 2014 at 6:59 am #

    You are right. People tend to make excuses for not finding love. Because that requires great risk. It requires surrender, vulnerability. That is very hard for most people to do.

    But I grew up seeing great relationships. My parents and aunts and uncles had great loving relationships. But with all this around me, I was afraid of the risk.

    Seeing your part in this, will be like a weight being lifted and you will open yourself up to great love. I still search for the right man, but know I am open to it now.

    Best of luck in your search for true love.


  66. DLilly January 15, 2014 at 8:21 am #

    Dr. Hyman, I agree and learned alot of what you said about getting in your own way in my mid 30’s (now 49) and worked on myself to change my mindset/beliefs and then things in my life moved foward and changed like I never imagined they could. I’m a big believer in we make the life we want to live, because I believe we can make the changes and step towards the life we want when we realize that things are possible and change our beliefs and mindset about those things that we think are unattainable. How do you help others make this realization? My sister who is older than me, was let go from a job just recently when company was downsizing after being out of a job for 2 years prior and was only in this job for a year. She moved to a city where she knew nobody to find a job, has no friends, no prospects of love which she seems to want but doesn’t know how to go about it (I see the negativity she has when she brings this topic up), and I believe she thinks it could never happen to her.. Athough it doesn’t seem like she has totally thrown in the towel on life because she is now constantly appling for jobs, she is not happy in any area of her life and doen’t know how to change to live the life she dreamed of. Although I’ve gone through this myself, I cannot convinence her or maybe I can’t describe to her how exactly to make this happen for her. She’s broke with no job, so she doesn’t have the funds to reach out for a coach. Is there anything out there that you can recommend she do or read – anything maybe I can help her with – anything? that could assist her to take a look at what is truly going on in her life. She calls it all bad luck or she says she is in a slump but it’s been going on for many years now. Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful. Thank you, Dee

  67. Zee January 15, 2014 at 8:31 am #

    I am really impressed that you have allowed yourself to be *that* vulnerable in your blog. I will definitely check out Lauren Zander and the Handel Method. That’s about as strong a recommendation as one could give, in my opinion.

  68. GG January 15, 2014 at 8:58 am #

    Thank you for sharing – this also resonates with me. I actually freaked out a little when you ended with the offer of a free coaching session because I am that afraid of believing in the possibilities of manifesting what I want (to the point that I don’t even know what I want, or, more accurately, I won’t acknowledge it to myself). I will take this to heart, along with the comment above – that I am not alone and that it is truly up to me if I want to see real changes in my life. Thank you, thank you!

  69. Diana Hallam January 15, 2014 at 9:45 am #

    Dear Dr Hyman,

    I am so grateful for your work. I’m struggling with autoimmune and rely very much on the information you are putting out there as functional medicine is in its infancy here in the UK. Your most recent blog about relationships and coaching is so brave and honest. Sharing vulnerability is the hardest and most rewarding thing. Thank you for your deep sharing of your life’s journey. You are a great blessing.


  70. Jackie Shepherd January 15, 2014 at 10:23 am #

    WOW! You have hit the nail on the head, Dr. Hyman! I too, keep myself very busy to make up for the lack of this “love” that I once dreamed of many, many years ago. With 1 failed marriage and a few true Love heartbreaks, I realize that I have not had an open heart, nor felt that I deserve True Love in my life. I chose folks who were not emotionally available to me, probably because I wasn’t for them…I want to change that!

    While I still have a pulse, I know that there is Hope…I can do it differently and have success in this area of my life!

    Thank You for your honesty and direction on this subject! Blessings to You in 2014!!

  71. Rachel January 15, 2014 at 11:12 am #

    Thank you Dr. Hyman…for reminding us that we are not alone, and that “the truth shall set you free.” The Handel Group sounds wonderful!

  72. Sandra Bowers January 15, 2014 at 11:41 am #

    Very well said indeed! I can completely relate in two different arena’s in my personal life.

    Thank you Dr for sharing!

    I have always followed you and think that you are amazing at what you do! know that.

  73. arely January 15, 2014 at 11:52 am #

    Thank you for sharing Dr. Mark Hyman

    sincerely, your fan and follower Arely Flores. From Hermosillo Sonora México.

  74. DeeDee January 15, 2014 at 1:58 pm #

    I think love is a very precious thing and when we lose it or walk away for whatever reason we need time to heal. I see people end one relationship and begin another within days and it never works out. Taking time to reflect and learn what we want and what we are willing to give can work wonders. My divorce was final 9/2011. I needed to do it but it didn’t stop the pain and I knew I could not enter another relationship until I sorted things out in my head and heart and just now, after almost 2.5 years, I am starting to consider the possibility. GOD BLESS!

  75. Ginny Panone January 15, 2014 at 3:42 pm #

    I taught divorce recovery classes after a horrible divorce many years ago. I remember feeling like love wasn’t for me. I recently celebrated my 12 year anniversary to my second husband. It isn’t perfect, no one, NO ONE has a perfect marriage! I think the key is that love is a choice. You have to make the choice to love your spouse even when in a particular moment all you want to do is rip their face off!!! It is easy to choose to love someone in the beginning, much harder after you have picked up their socks for the bazillionth time. I have never regretted making the choice every minute to love my husband.

  76. Janney Lee January 15, 2014 at 4:01 pm #

    Thank you Dr. Hyman for your bravery and honesty – it again amazes me how really alike we all are – I too have experienced a “love block” and for whatever reason (feelings of unworthiness, ignorance, or just plain pig headedness) have lost out on a lot in life. I find particular comfort in Buddhism – expecially the writings of Pema Chodren – where I am encouraged to feel ok with myself – even to love myself – which surely should be the first step in any relationship. Thank you again for all your kindness, your enthusiastic belief in medicine as it should be.

  77. Patricia Dowdy January 15, 2014 at 9:22 pm #

    In the dictionary next to ‘human’, there is a picture of every single one of us. We all know how to love. We know as well how to ‘mess up’. both potentially good relationships and likely excellent business opportunities.

    Our dreams are not second rate objects. How dare we treat them as such. We do so because we are mere souls on personal journeys toward maturity.

    Until each of us evolves into a Final Self, we will miss out on so much happiness, so much joy,and so much bliss, which we were divinely designed to experience.

    We can also add to that missing, the lost opportunities of never-explored careers and all other left by the wayside dreams. Self realization really ought to be encouraged from nursery school age.. Dr. Hyman, I look forward to hearing more about the Handel Method.

  78. Michael Parry January 15, 2014 at 11:24 pm #

    This message from Mark comes at a pertinent point in my own life. My cross road is to leave my full time “comfort zone” teaching position and convert my passion for teaching and educating to the field of personal development. It does not matter how many courses I do or the fact that my current position keeps me away from my family I simply do not own the dream. Fear in these types of conquest, although is unfounded can be quite crippling. Thanks Mark it is time to take responsibility, own the dream and take action.

  79. Peter Pahlsson January 16, 2014 at 8:02 am #

    DR Mark,
    Man cannot serve two masters. He will hate one and Love the other! Praying for you!

  80. Tutu Thom January 16, 2014 at 9:40 am #

    Dear Dr. Hyman,
    I have been a fan of yours for a few years now and always look forward to your advice and information.
    After reading your article about When Life Isn’t Working According to Plan, I was completely in awe of your courage and sincerity. It takes guts to come forward with information about ourselves, yet alone to share it with thousands of others!!
    Your article resonated with my own life and got me to thinking about my lack of a loving male relationship in my life. Hmmm….!! Afraid to be hurt again, it will only end badly.
    I sincerely believe you will find that person. I guess it’s all about letting ourselves be vulnerable again and truly believing that we can find that person; and yes, it will require changes in ourselves and beliefs.
    God bless,
    Tutu Thom

  81. Dolores January 16, 2014 at 10:28 am #

    I love your heart and your teachings, but I want to share a thought with you that you initially may not agree with. You said, “This is not a dress rehearsal for life!”

    No matter how successful and fulfilling someone’s life may be, since no one lives much past a hundred years in this life, I’m absolutely THRILLED to believe that this life IS only the dress rehearsal! I believe this is just the preparation for a never-ending ageless life that comes after this one, where there is perfect love for everyone.

    God bless you!

  82. CJ January 16, 2014 at 2:48 pm #

    Ah, yes, “The Hero’s Journey” – the integrity between what we believe and how we live, is a challenge worthy of the gift of life, eh? Your willingness to share your truth and seek support through The Handel Method of coaching in order to live your truth, allowed me to examine my own issues with love and failed marriages. Thank you. I am learning about accepting compassion from others, as well as, giving compassion to myself and others, in order to fully experience love in my current relationship. “Conscious Loving” by Katie and Gay Hendricks has been most.helpful to me in understanding the importance of telling our microscopic truths.

  83. Ramona Russell January 16, 2014 at 5:34 pm #

    Hi Dr. Hyman–

    I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister. I lost my 28 year old sister to breast cancer, which led me deep in to integrative health (and to follow your work).

    Best of luck in your love journey!

  84. Tracy Toft January 18, 2014 at 11:07 am #

    Thank you so much for sharing. What a deeply personal and brave thing to share with the world. In the words of Brene Brown, sharing something that personal, being vulnerable, is like taking off the 20 ton shield. It’s showing up and being seen for who you are. For me, it has been one of the most difficult things to do, but worth its weight in gold. It’s a practice, something I work at everyday. I have great respect for you for so openly sharing that part of yourself. We are all vulnerable and imperfect. It takes a brave person to share that with the world. The work you do is inspiring and has changed my life. Thank you for continuing to inspire me and the world in so many areas or our lives. And thank you again for sharing your vulnerability and imperfections.

  85. Elise Tyrie January 18, 2014 at 12:19 pm #

    Thank you so much for sharing! Your honesty is inspiring! Looking forward to checking out the Handel Method.

  86. Monica Forsberg January 19, 2014 at 12:15 pm #

    Dear Dr. Hyman,

    You most certainly would enjoy and benefit reading, “The Writings of Florence Scovel Shinn.” Thank you so much for sharing your story.

    Peace, Monica

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